Two Hearts Doesn't Make It Easier
by bluekiwibubble
Summary: Rose has a question, but the Doctor finds answering rather painful. One shot. Era 10th. RoseDoctor


**Title**: Two Hearts Doesn't Make It Easier  
**Author**: bluekiwibubble  
**Fandom**: Doctor Who (Tenth Doctor)  
**Pairing**: Ten/Rose  
**Rating**: PG  
**Word Count**: 703  
**Prompt**: varietypack100 #80 Why?  
**Summary**: Rose has a question, but the Doctor finds answering rather painful.

"Doctor?"  
He's sitting with his feet up on the console, fiddling with some kind of gadget. He doesn't look up.  
"Yes?"  
Rose hesitates. She wants to ask him something, but doesn't know how. So instead, she asks him this;  
"What _is_ that?"  
"This?" The Doctor waves it. "It's a radial-discombobulator." Rose stares at it blankly. "Was there anything else you wanted, other than the name of an obscure bit of alien tech?" he asks.  
She nods. He places the radial-discombobulator on the console and swivels his chair to face her, pulling his glasses out of his coat pocket and examining her through them. Rose says nothing. The Doctor waits, watching. She seems to be struggling with herself.

After a few minutes, as he is about to speak, she bursts out.  
"Ever since you regenerated, we haven't...you know. Why?"  
She's blushing, he sees. He might be, too. He's been hoping she wouldn't ask him this.

Stupid, really.

The Doctor opens his mouth, thinking quickly.  
"We've...been too busy. Travelling the universe, time and space, saving races from extinction, yadder yadder etcetera, all in a day's work." He grins, but even to his ears it sounds transparent.  
He shouldn't lie to Rose.

"We used to do all that an' still have time."  
He winces slightly at her accusatory tone. But he can't tell her the real reason; that he's scared that, somehow, he won't measure up to his old self. That when Rose tries to hide her disappointment, he'll still be able to see it, in the back of her eyes when she looks at him. That she'll want the old Doctor back, just as she did at the start.  
But he can't hide from Rose.

"Well..." The Doctor runs his tongue over his front teeth. "We could, if you like."  
She stands up and takes one of his hands in each of hers, pulling him to his feet. She's smiling.  
He tries to grin back at her, but it won't reach his eyes. He's scared. Cybermen, werewolves, Daleks, the Mighty Jagrafess of the Holy Hadrojassic Maxarodenfoe, Raxacoricofallapatorians, hostile aliens or legendary monsters or just the things men do; he can face them without batting an eyelid. Even when he met evil incarnate, the king of hell, had been about to die (in all likelihood) in a black hole at the far end of the universe, alone with the beast, he hadn't been overly worried.

Yet he's scared of Rose Tyler. The Doctor is scared of his companion. Is this the reason why he travelled alone for so long after the death of his people? Or is it the other way round?

Rose is looking at him. He meets her eyes, and she knows; knows he can't.  
And she does nothing, except ask,  
"Why?"  
"I'm so sorry Rose."  
"Doctor, why?" Her words are hard and soft at the same time, as are her eyes. He looks away.  
"You've seen what happens to me. I change. I'm different, but I'm still the same man; I don't die." He drops her hands and turns to stare into the T.A.R.D.I.S.' time rotor. "Humans, mortals, everyone else, they wither and age and die. You _die_ Rose!" The Doctor spins back round towards her, angry, not at her, but at the unfairness of it all, at himself, at his loneliness. "You die, and I'm still here! Having two hearts doesn't make it any easier, Rose. If I'd let myself, everytime I..."

He shakes his head, taking his glasses off and snapping them closed. He stands with his back to the console and his hands gripping the edge of it, watching every mortal he's ever known or cared about walk across his mind's eye. Every single person who's travelled with him, died because of him, died because he couldn't prevent it.

Rose's voice is so quiet he barely hears it, but he looks up, and now it's her who's avoiding eye contact.  
"How many have there been?"  
The Doctor cocks an eyebrow, but answers softly.  
"Enough. Mortals, stupid apes." There's no anger in his voice now. He reaches out and takes her hand. "I'm sorry Rose."  
She turns, and looks at him, and she has tears in her eyes.  
"No, I'm sorry. Doctor." 


End file.
